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Miss Kitty’s Kinky Advice (Part 2 of 2)

Updated: Feb 8, 2023

Miss Kitty talks about her day-to-day BDSM dynamic with Piggy in the second part of this interview. She also cautions against online fakes and shares advice for young Dommes and submissives entering the community.

Living a Kinky Life

To the average person, Miss Kitty and Piggy seem like any other couple – maybe just a bit eccentric. Their dynamic is known by some close friends, but Miss Kitty’s parents, who live next door, have no idea about their kinky lifestyle.

Despite living together, Miss Kitty and Piggy do not practice their dynamic 24/7. “Everybody's different. But for me, sustaining a dominant headspace full-time takes a lot of mental energy,” Miss Kitty explains. “It’s very intense and tiring.” Instead, it sits in the back of her mind during daily functioning, ready to be called on as need be.

“It’s easy for him to drop straight into a submissive space, because of his mental health and self-esteem issues,” Miss Kitty explains. “And I can default to a dominant role easily. But on a day-to-day basis, I don’t think that is healthy.” Instead, most of the time they just have normal conversations like any couple without any power imbalances. Especially when it comes to big decisions that affect finances and the household.

“If I know it's a power imbalance in that aspect, I acknowledge it and try and almost coach him to be more equal, if it's relevant. It doesn't feel right for me to abuse the dominant dynamic to have things my way. I’m more of a soft dominant these days.”

Although their dynamic includes a lot of nurturing and mothering (“sweet with a hint of patronizing” Miss Kitty calls it), the couple does not practice age play – like Mommy-Domme-little-boy scenes often seen online. It’s simply not their thing. “That’s the thing with BDSM – your dynamic is unique to you two,” she explains. It’s important to ensure both parties’ needs are met in the dynamic.

The Danger of Online

When Miss Kitty and Piggy first started their dynamic, the sub-to-be had a lot of unrealistic ideas based on what he had seen online. Miss Kitty recalls the story of Piggy’s first pegging. Although he had never tried it before, he was very eager to, based on what he’d seen in porn. So, Miss Kitty sent her special boy off to buy a dildo in a size he thought would be appropriate. He came back with a 9-inch monster.

Miss Kitty explained that he was being a bit ambitious, but Piggy insisted he could take it. That’s when Miss Kitty took the executive decision as the more experienced partner to not use that dildo. If she did, there was a risk that Piggy could come to physical harm – no matter how much lube she used. Instead, Miss Kitty made him get rid of it and acquired a more suitable-sized toy. After the first occurrence, Piggy quickly realized that the big dildo would never have worked.

According to Miss Kitty, that is the biggest danger with online representation – the unsafe extremes. “It's dangerous because it makes it look like anybody could do it with the right mindset.” Yet there is little to no representation of how to do things safely.

Miss Kitty’s hard limits are based on what could be physically dangerous to a person. As she works in a healthcare setting, she has seen the damage of unsafe play first-hand. “Obviously, there are safe ways to do it and people do, but that’s not a responsibility I want to take on,” she explains. “Because, even if I do it safely, that person can still go home and try and recreate it themselves, potentially causing damage.” That is why her limits include things like urethral sounding and anal fisting.

Another extreme that she doesn’t get involved in is ball-busting and intense cock-and-ball torture – something very common in extreme porn but less so in real-life gentle femdom dynamics. “It's sort of glamorized in extreme hardcore BDSM porn but the risk isn't highlighted. A lot of subs, especially those new to BDSM, almost have this preconceived idea that a good sub does as they’re told, and a good sub will take what's given to them. That’s where the danger comes in.” Important note: You don’t have to do things you are not comfortable with to be a “good sub”.

Too Many Fakes

Miss Kitty cautions against people pretending to be dominant online – gaslighting submissives into crossing their own boundaries and not respecting the idea of consent.

“A sub actually carries more control than the dominant,” Miss Kitty explains. “As a Domme, I judge my sub's limits and what they’re willing to do or not do. But at the end of the day, no matter how extreme you get, the sub has a safe word, giving them ultimate control. If a Dom/me says you don’t need a safe word, get away from that person – it’s a massive red flag. If they are trying to guilt you or manipulate you into doing something you genuinely don’t want to do, and you’ve communicated why you don’t want to, then they are not a genuine Dom/me.”

“BDSM is not an excuse to be a bad person. Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse,” Miss Kitty says. “Often people try and wrap a bow on controlling, manipulative behavior and call it BSDM. But it’s not BDSM, you’re just a bad partner – no matter what type of relationship you enter.”

“A good Domme, whether you are just a play-partner or in a loving relationship with that person, is protective over your submissive,” according to Miss Kitty. “A good dominant will support their submissive to be able to be themself; you will embrace them as their individual self. They might be a submissive version of themself, but they should feel comfortable being there and being vulnerable. And you can't expect them to feel safe if you are bullying someone into a vulnerable position.”

Advice for New Submissives

Miss Kitty advises subs to trust their instincts. “If something's giving you a red flag, it's a red flag. Even if the person you're talking to is genuine, if it's giving you a red flag, that means that person isn't the right play-partner for you.”

Finding the right play-partner can be very difficult, especially if you are shy and reserved. That’s why a lot of people prefer to dip their toe into online stuff first – they don’t want to expose themselves as a kinkster in real life. The issue comes when the people you are trying to find are in the same position. It’s easy for people to want to fake it till you make it, pretending that they've got a lot of experience.

“I think for a submissive, the best thing you can do is listen to your gut and don’t be too desperate,” Miss Kitty advises. “I know that's difficult, especially if you've been searching for this sort of dynamic. But instead of reaching out to people and saying like, ‘Oh, can I be submissive’ or ‘can I call you Miss,’ reach out to people not to be the submissive but to learn.”

If someone is automatically trying to put you in a submissive role when you start chatting to them, they are not a proper Dom/me, Miss Kitty cautions. You are only their submissive if you are formally submitting to that individual Dom/me. “The same goes for people automatically calling me ‘Miss’. I’m not your Miss. I have not consented to be your Miss. You can ask me questions or advice.”

If you message a potential Dom/me to ask for advice and they immediately insist on you calling them by a title, or they want to put you in a submissive place from the start, that is not a proper Dom/me. Be particularly weary when these people get defensive if you ask questions. “It is important to ask as many questions as you need to give informed consent,” Miss Kitty advises. “You can't give informed consent without all the information that you need to make that decision. So, if you're asking questions, and that dominant person is getting frustrated with you or telling you to just do as they say, that is a huge red flag and they are not real.”

According to Miss Kitty, financial domination (or FinDom) is actually a small pocket of the real BDSM community. Online, however, it’s a huge part of the community as there is a disproportionate number of subs to Dom/mes, leaving desperate submissives vulnerable to exploitation. Of course, there are professionals out there, but often, it’s just opportunists milking you for easy money. If you want to make use of a professional service, make sure they are legit first, she advises.

Advice for new Dommes

The most important piece of advice Miss Kitty has is to respect your submissives and their boundaries. Don’t have set ideas on what your domination will look like from the get-go either. “Because, as you are exploring that with a submissive, those parameters can change depending on what the dynamics are at the time. Just because your submissive has said that they're happy for you to do X, Y and Z in that moment, that constant might have changed; it might be too much for them,” she explains.

“Respect their boundaries and be mindful that you're taking on a lot of responsibility for somebody's physical and emotional safety as a Domme,” Miss Kitty continues. “And if you're not willing to take on that responsibility in addition to the fun parts, maybe a sub-Domme dynamic isn’t for you and you just like kinky sex, which is absolutely fine to explore consensually also. If you want a dynamic, you need to look after your sub.”

Where possible, Miss Kitty herself won’t inflict anything onto a sub that she hasn’t experienced herself unless it's not physically possible due to her biological female anatomy. She will often try out toys, stress positions, different/new wax play, or electrostimulation devices on herself first to better understand the sub’s experience. This is done as a matter of research and assessment of risk rather than for her own sexual pleasure. “It’s important to understand at which point it becomes unsafe,” she says. “Now, I'm not saying that everybody's got to do it that way. But for me, I feel more comfortable pushing somebody to their limit, consensually, if I know what that limit feels like, or I've got a good enough idea.”

Whatever you do, research is key. And if you can’t reach out to a local community, actual literature is the next best thing, according to Miss Kitty. Not just blogs or advice from random strangers, but properly researched content. “It would be unsafe to enter into it without knowing the core of it,” Miss Kitty concludes. “If you are not willing to do the work and wrap your head around how it works, then maybe BDSM is not for you.”

>>Audio recordings for this story are exclusively available on Patreon.

>>Listen to part 1 of the audio series for free.

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1 commentaire

Richard Atkins
Richard Atkins
01 juin 2023

Very informative. Gives me a new perspective. Thaks Lana for posting their storys. n

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