Bisexual British Domme Miss Kitty openly talks about her BDSM journey, mental health challenges, and finding a new submissive after her divorce. What does a real-life female-led, kinky relationship look like? The short answer – it looks nothing like it does in porn.
Miss Kitty (36)* and her “special boy,” Piggy (40)* are based in England in the U.K. They met online three years ago and now live together as a BDSM dynamic, practicing a kinky Female Domination (FemDom) lifestyle.
After more than a decade in the BDSM community, Miss Kitty’s key message is that being a Domme is a huge responsibility – don’t take it lightly. And to subs: try and be more careful and less desperate.
Here follows the couple’s uncensored story, as told by Miss Kitty with the full informed consent of her partner.
*Not their real names
Getting into Kink
Miss Kitty initially got into BDSM when she was 19 – more than 17 years ago now. Finding this community was a “sheer fluke,” she explains. A new partner’s friends, who were a little older than herself, were practicing BDSM and brought the topic into general conversation. This got the young couple curious and they decided to start experimenting with kink themselves.
At first, she played the submissive – a more conventional role for a female. However, she quickly found that it wasn’t in her nature to be submissive. Whenever her partner would dominate her, she kept thinking that she could do it better than him. “And then I realized, actually, I'm not submissive at all.”
Miss Kitty views that experience as helpful to her life as Domme, allowing her to better understand what it feels like to relinquish some level of control.
Luckily for Miss Kitty, her partner at the time was discovering that he was a bit of a switch, and he was happy to let her take control from time to time. The couple continued their journey of exploration and discovery until splitting up about a year later.
Miss Kitty didn’t get into any new exclusive dynamics after that. Instead, she enjoyed multiple play-partners, or as she affectionately calls them – “fuck buddies.” These were “like a kinky hook-up, but with a defined dynamic.” It wasn’t just about the sexual experience though, Miss Kitty still spoke to these partners outside of the dynamic as well, regularly checking in with them as human beings too – not just about kinky stuff.
Finding New Play-Partners
It can be a desperate matter for many to find suitable BDSM play-partners in real life. Miss Kitty generally found them at her local heavy metal goth nightclub. She described it as a place for all the weirdos (including herself) to come together, making it a bit easier to broach the often-taboo topic of BDSM.
After a few drinks, once people were generally more open, Miss Kitty would jokingly slip some kinky comments into the conversation. Often, people would laugh it off at the time, but the seed was planted. Then later, she’d get a text from the person about her comment, curious about kink.
Even at her work where they had a close-knit team, sometimes some joking, off-the-cuff comments would lead to new play-partners.
Trying a Vanilla Life
After living this away for the better part of a decade, Miss Kitty decided she needed a more stable life. At the time, she was going through a tough time in her personal life and had just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
While Miss Kitty was in a recovery part of a severe bipolar episode, she met the man who would become her ex-husband. “I was going through a bit of a personal identity crisis,” she explains. “I had this concept in my brain that I just want to be a normal person; I just want to fit in and have a normal life.” He was the answer to that “normal” life.
They got married. He had a child from a previous relationship and Miss Kitty stepped up as the stepmom. “It gave me the little secure family unit I thought I wanted,” she says. “At that time, I did need that stability. But as I became more comfortable and confident in myself and accepting of my illness, I actually started realizing that I was trying to fit in a mold that wasn't for me.”
Her husband wasn’t into kinky stuff at all. Miss Kitty remembers subtly dropping hints about pegging but he was having none of it, saying it would “never” happen. After a while, it became clear that they didn’t really have that much in common. Once Miss Kitty stopped trying to fit in and started being more herself, their differences started pushing a wedge between them and they drifted apart.
After three years they divorced. They are still on good terms and things didn’t get ugly, but they just realized that they wanted different things.
An Unconventional Meeting
After the end of her marriage, Miss Kitty wasn’t looking for another partner. She wanted to spend time getting comfortable with herself and gain some of her independence back. Little did she know that the world had other plans, and someone special was waiting just around the corner – as they often are.
Miss Kitty describes how she met her current partner as “obscure.” She didn’t go looking for anyone. No, she was simply playing an interior decorating mobile game where you could gain extra points if you engaged with other players. Not kinky at all. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone else that day, she remembers, but needed points to buy a new wallpaper for her house in the game.
As she was strolling around in the game, Miss Kitty saw an avatar with the handle “Slave Pig.” She often saw such users online but usually ignored them. On this particular day though, she decided to humor this person and asked them about their interesting name. This opened the conversation with the person who would eventually become her current partner, her “special boy” – “Piggy.”
Training a New Sub
Piggy immediately started calling her “Miss,” but Kitty was having none of it. She told him not to call her by a title but Piggy argued that it was respectful. “No, it’s respectful when you are my submissive, which you are not,” she told him.” So, you can just talk to me like a normal person.” (Good advice – take note.)
Piggy, who is autistic, admitted that he was new to the BDSM scene; that he had fantasized about it for a long time but had zero experience. Miss Kitty found his honesty “refreshing” after encountering so many fake people online projecting experience while having none.
He was keen to learn, and Miss Kitty helped him understand the basics. It quickly became apparent that Piggy wanted a dynamic. But Miss Kitty insisted on talking face-to-face first, even if it was on a video call – “not to perform for me or get his penis out, simply to say hi.”
“A lot of the red flags with the online stuff is that often people want these dynamics, but they don’t want that connection – it's all fantasy,” Miss Kitty explains. “And if I'm going to be putting somebody in a submissive role, I need to know enough about that person to know I can protect them in that submissive space. I don't think you can do that without visual contact, whether that be on video or in person.”
Still, Piggy wanted to go straight into a submissive role without any face-to-face stuff because he found it difficult because of his autism. As such, Miss Kitty helped him through the initial discussion around limits and safe words on a telephone call before meeting, which was more comfortable for Piggy.
The couple-to-be lived a three-hour drive apart. After two weeks of talking, it was finally time to meet in person. Piggy booked a hotel room near Miss Kitty’s place for them to meet up and have a play-session. It was important for Miss Kitty to meet in real life to see if they had chemistry and whether the dynamic would meet both of their needs. Boundaries are very important to her and she wanted to ensure the relationship would be healthy for both.
They hit it off and Piggy realized his dream of becoming Miss Kitty’s collared sub. Despite the distance, they started meeting up a few times a month for kinky play dates and Miss Kitty found herself falling for Piggy. “Through him being just this little charming self, I just fell in love with him,” she says. “I just couldn't help myself, despite me trying not to.”
Navigating Mental Illness
There is more to being a Dom/me than just having sex and giving orders, Miss Kitty advises. “As the dominant, you are the caretaker of that person [your submissive] and their emotional health and well-being within that dynamic. You are taking that on and that is quite a heavy responsibility if you're not prepared for it.”
In Piggy’s case, this was a huge responsibility, because he was mentally unwell but masking it, Miss Kitty explains. In the early days of their dynamic, he was seeking out high-risk, extreme kink activities – a lot of heavy-impact play and sharp verbal humiliation. “It was almost like he was seeking a punishment,” according to Miss Kitty. “It was almost feeding a self-harm narrative.” This raised a big red flag for Miss Kitty.
One day, Piggy unexpectedly broke down in tears during a play session. After uttering his safe words (“too much”), Miss Kitty immediately stopped the scene. Later during a debriefing session, it became apparent that Piggy had not been able to cry or be vulnerable in front of anyone for many years. He had a lot of childhood trauma that had caused the emotional walls to come up.
In that moment of play, the walls had come down and it all spilled out. “It was like opening Pandora's Box, which was very, very cathartic for him and added a lot of benefits for him. But as a Domme, I needed to be able to contain that. I needed to be able to nurture him while he was in that very vulnerable place. And sort of help him piece that back together.”
Had Miss Kitty not been there in person to contain the situation and support her sub, it could have been very dangerous for Piggy. That is why Miss Kitty cautions against online dynamics where the sub (or Domme) is not properly supported. There is much more to a Domme/sub (D/s) dynamic than what you see in pornography, Miss Kitty explains. “You have to be prepared for what happens when you open that door.”
At the time, the couple was still traveling back and forth, seeing each other maybe two or three times a month. In between, they kept in touch over video calls and texts, chatting about normal things too, not just kink.
In the summer of 2021, Piggy was overcome with “psychotic depression,” as Miss Kitty explains. He had a lot of suicidal thoughts and was very isolated where he lived. Miss Kitty was concerned about some of the things he was saying on the phone. She drove over and bundled Piggy and his cats into her car to take him home with her.
Miss Kitty moved him in temporarily, to care for him while he was a risk to himself. It was the only time she didn’t ask for his consent, she explains, because he wasn’t mentally stable to make that decision and she was very concerned.
By the time Piggy stabilized, it no longer made sense for him to go back. So, he stayed. They have lived together ever since.
*Read Part 2 of this interview, where Miss Kitty shares advice for new Dommes and subs entering the community.
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